In conversations I’ve had with clients who are overwhelmed, stressed and too busy, we almost always discover that they struggle to say no. It’s almost become an automatic habit to say yes to any request – be it additional work, to get involved in a project, or attend a meeting. And this often extends to outside of work too. Saying no to friends, family and even our kids can also be tricky.
It’s only when we take a step back that we realise that the consequences of not saying no can be damaging to us, those around us and for the organisation we work within.
For ourselves, it can mean more work, increased deadlines and/or doing work or other things we don’t want to. We can feel stressed, put upon, trapped and resentful.
But it can also impact those around you, particularly if you lead a team or project. Because the consequences of not saying no can cause more work for others, doing work they don’t want to do, or not understanding the reason for doing it. And over time this can impact their morale and productivity. We can even overlook the fact that by doing the work ourselves, we’re missing an opportunity to delegate to others, which may help them develop new skills and experiences.
I’m not suggesting you can or should start going round saying no to everything and everyone! But saying no to things that you don’t find valuable can free up time for those things that can have a more positive impact.
Often it’s simply a case that we get taken by surprise and a ‘yes’ has come out of our mouths before we’ve had time to think about it. Or, we can’t find the right words to say no in a way that wouldn’t potentially damage the relationship.
Both of these situations can be fairly easily overcome.
What’s more difficult is to tackle what’s at the heart of not saying no – our limiting beliefs. It’s these beliefs that trap us into saying yes when we don’t want to and then cause us internal conflict.
Typical beliefs I’ve discussed with clients include:
Our beliefs about saying no are often unconscious. They are a way for our mind to justify to ourselves why we’ve said yes, even when another part of our brain wants to say no. We develop a habit of saying yes to things we don’t want to do, and then feel we can’t break that habit, either because of how we will feel about ourselves, or what we fear others will think about us.
The good news is, a study in Psychology Today shows that saying no to your friends isn’t as damaging to your relationship as you may think it is. At work, you may feel that it’s a different situation because inevitably, there is a different dynamic between colleagues. But even here, it can be less damaging than you fear it is to say no, if it’s done in the right way and with the right intentions.
Reflecting on your limiting beliefs can then enable you to challenge them. Working with a coach, mentor or trusted colleague can help you with this. Here are some helpful questions:
Once you’ve understood more about what is at the heart of this for you, you can do some preparation in order to be in a position to say no when you want to. The more you identify occasions/ types of requests you want to say no to, the more prepared you’ll be when the time comes.
a. Understand your boundaries
Consider what value and impact you want to have in your role/ career and how much of this you’re having right now.
Ask yourself: When I say yes to something, what am I saying no to instead?
On this basis, clarify your priorities (work, your development, developing others, building relationships, your home life etc) so that when the time comes, you are really clear about your priorities on a weekly, monthly and annual basis.
A tool that can help with this is the urgent/ important matrix and then blocking time out in your calendar for important/ non-urgent things.
b. Strengthen your relationships with key stakeholder(s)
How strong are the relationships with people who you would like to say no to? The stronger your relationships, the easier it will be for you to say no without any fear of damaging the relationship. Having a mutual respect and understanding will help you to explain why you’re saying no.
So if you need to, work on deepening relationships with key stakeholders. Discuss and align your priorities with them so that they will understand/ support you if you do need to push back.
When a request comes, it can be helpful to ask some clarifying questions. We often make assumptions about what’s being asked, and sometimes, the other person isn’t fully clear either! So asking some open questions can help both you and them understand what is really involved.
This is particularly useful when dealing with your manager or a peer. It helps to open up a negotiation on what could be pushed back if you were to take on this request, rather than simply adding it to your workload. Of course, having a full overview of your workload and priorities will help you with this, which is why step 2 is important.
If you find that you get flustered and end up saying yes before your brain has caught up, then buying yourself some time to think can be helpful. For example:
“I need to have a look at what else I have on today/ this week. Can I come back to you in xxx (insert reasonable timescale here)?”
“Let me have a look at my current commitments. I’ll get back to you by lunchtime.”
The attached link gives examples of how you can clarify and say no or push back. Of course, you’ll need to find language that suits you best.
Saying no can feel daunting at first. Doing the self-reflection and ground work in steps 1 and 2 can help build your confidence and clarity around what you would like to say no to and the positive impact it will have for you and others. If you accidentally say yes when you wished you hadn’t, reflect on what made you do this, and take the learnings for next time. Start small and build up your confidence over time. Reflect on how not doing things you don’t want to is making you feel – hopefully a little less stressed and with more time to focus on the important things!
Check out these additional resources…
Read:
Reminder: Whenever you say “yes” to something, you’re saying “no” to something else (ted.com)
6 Effective Tips to Politely Say No (that actually work!) (scienceofpeople.com)
How to Say No Politely Without Feeling Guilty (Tips & Examples) (betterup.com)
Watch:
Say No To Say Yes: Dr. Caryn Aviv at TEDxCrestmoorParkWomen (youtube.com)
The power of no | Emilie Aries | TEDxAmoskeagMillyard (youtube.com)
