You only have to listen to the news or read social media to see that there are so many issues where people are trying to persuade others round to their way of thinking. Whether its politicians, individuals, or campaigners fighting for particular issues, everyone is shouting to have their voice heard. One way people do this is to use dramatic or provocative language. Words like ‘disaster’ and ‘crisis’ grab our attention and activate our threat response so that we sit up and take notice. When the issues are as serious as some of the ones we face today, using strongly emotive language is important to keep the message top of mind.
However, this can also backfire – having the opposite effect to the one intended:
It’s the same in the workplace
It’s tempting when you’re trying to influence others, to use dramatic language or generalisations to grab attention and make people listen. I’ve definitely been known to use phrases like ‘It’ll be a nightmare if…’ or, ‘That will never work’.
We often see this play out between teams or individual leaders, who may have seemingly opposing views. Such areas of conflict can become entrenched over time, often reaching the point where it is more important to ‘win’ than it is to find the best way forwards, resulting in a win-lose situation which creates resentment and disengagement.
So how do you persuade others listen to your views and take your concerns or issues seriously?
When we’re stressed or highly emotional, our emotions control our thoughts and therefore how we communicate, leading us to use words like ‘disaster’, ‘nightmare’, or generalisations such as ‘always’, ‘everyone’, ‘never’. Occasionally, such words can be helpful to convey the gravity of a particular situation. But used too often, they just wash over people.
Become aware of the language you’re using and monitor your emotions at any given time. Ask yourself – how am I feeling right now? Any heightened negative emotion such as anger, frustration or stress reduces our ability to be conscious of our choice of language and expression.
When we listen to others, we often use selective listening – which is often listening to disagree. When we actively listen, we listen with the aim of truly understanding the other person’s point of view. Actively listening to someone makes them feel valued, creates rapport and increases trust. You will also learn new information or see the situation from a different viewpoint which you might find helpful.
One of the most important things you can do when influencing others is stop talking and ask an open question instead. Understanding how others see a situation helps you to find common ground. Asking open questions such as ‘What are your thoughts about…?’, ‘What’s your understanding of this issue?’ ‘What are your main concerns…?’etc. can help identify the specific areas of agreement and disagreement. However, make sure when you ask a question, it is with genuine curiosity, rather than to be able to pick holes in someone’s viewpoint.
Influencing others is much more effective when people feel like they’re being treated like an adult by being presented with facts from which they can then form their own opinion. Challenging yourself to use facts also enables you to realise what you do and don’t know. And you may even gain some new supporters who can use these facts to persuade others.
This is possibly one of the hardest things we can do. We’re wired to gain acceptance within our social group, which means if we admit that we might have got some things wrong, or we have changed our minds, we worry it will reduce our status in the eyes of the group. We believe we should stick to our guns in order to save face. When everyone does this, views become polarised and the choices become this or that, rather than this and that.
In truth, having the humility and open-mindedness to include other information and perspectives into your opinion, or even alter your stance, has a much more positive effect on your ability to influence others, as well broadening your own thinking. And you can turn this into a positive by saying something like ‘Having listened to your points, I agree with x and y, and on reflection I now think this, in addition to/ instead of z.’
Influencing for the long term is less about getting others to see your point of view, and more about increasing your own understanding and finding common ground from which to move forwards. So next time you find yourself in a debate with someone, consider how you can choose your words carefully to bring the opposing sides closer together rather than pushing them further apart.
