This is one of my favourite, and insightful coaching questions that I use both with my clients and with myself. What makes this question so powerful is the realisation that much of what we hold to be true in any given situation, is actually simply an assumption. Subsequently this opens up new possibilities to move forwards, find personal agency and improve a situation or relationship.
In a recent conversation with a group of leaders, we were talking about someone who wasn’t performing in their role as well as previously. The team leader had tried various tactics to change their behaviour, to no avail, and was feeling increasingly frustrated and helpless. Talking it through, it became apparent that everything they’d tried so far was based on the assumption that the person has lost motivation. So, I asked the question: ‘What assumptions are you making about this situation?’.
The leader thought for a moment and then came a torrent of assumptions – that the person’s behaviour was driven by disengagement with work because they were secretly annoyed that they hadn’t been given a role on an important project. In short, the leader had created an entire story about the other person and the situation. This realisation brought a whole new framing of the situation – and most importantly, that the leader didn’t actually know the reason for the change in observed behaviour.
In another organisation, a team was struggling to surface hidden conflicts. After various 1:1 conversations and with the team as a whole, it became clear that various team members held assumptions about their peers: that divergent views would be dismissed out of hand, that x person ‘always needs to be right’, that y person ‘hates conflict and will do anything to avoid it’.
These are not isolated incidents. Every single one of us can make multiple assumptions a day, often without even realising it. We see something, and instantly jump to a conclusion, which we then hold on to as the truth. Many subsequent thoughts and feelings are then based on that initial assumption.
Of course, not all of our thoughts are assumptions. If we know for a fact why someone is behaving as they are then it’s not an assumption. Equally, an assumption is not the same as intuition. In Malcolm Gladwell’s book ‘Blink’, he talks about the power of split-second thinking which tells us something isn’t quite right. Much of the time, this intuition is spot on. The difference between intuition and assumptions, is that intuition tells us ‘what’ isn’t right – often correctly; assumptions are our attempt at explaining ‘why’ things aren’t right. And this is often the flaw in the thinking process.
When we make assumptions about situations, they can have some negative impacts:
Ultimately, making assumptions about others and situations you are in can cause disconnection, reducing trust and effective collaboration.
Our brain is, in evolutionary terms, thousands of years old, and is still in many ways designed for a life that was based on physical survival. Making assumptions was a key part of that survival. If a hunter-gatherer is walking through a forest and hears some rustling, is it safer to assume that there is a bear making that sound, or that there isn’t a bear?
The avoidance of threat is so deeply wired into our brains, that jumping to conclusions happens without us even realising it. In Daniel Kahneman’s book Thinking Fast and Slow, this is ‘System 1’ in your brain. Our pre-frontal cortex (‘System 2’) may accept this conclusion and more consciously, we create a story (belief) around what we experience in order to try to understand it. And sometimes, as significant research into biases and heuristics shows, that story is flawed.
What makes it even more complicated is that we all see the world through our own unique ‘lens’: our own specific experiences, conditioning, learned patterns of thinking and behaviour, our values, needs and personality. So two people can experience exactly the same situation and come away with very different assumptions about what happened and why.
As society has developed, that ability to leap to conclusions remains with us – and at times this can be very helpful, including:
However, much of the time, our thought processes are flawed with numerous biases, and it’s these biases that influence our assumptions about the situations we’re in.
Confirmation bias The tendency for our brain to seek evidence to prove what we already think we know, reinforcing that assumption.
Actor-observer bias The tendency to attribute our actions to external influences and other people’s actions to internal ones (e.g. a meeting didn’t go well for you because you were tired, it didn’t go well for someone else because they didn’t prepare well enough).
Anchoring bias The tendency to become overly influenced by the first piece of information we hear (e.g. someone tells you that Margaret seems moody today, so you assume that she is – and then confirmation bias kicks in!).
The halo effect The tendency for an initial positive impression of a person to influence what we think of them overall (e.g. someone dresses and speaks well so you assume they are competent and intelligent).
The false consensus effect The tendency to overestimate how much other people agree with your own beliefs, behaviours, attitudes, and values.
Negativity bias The tendency not only to register negative stimuli more readily but also to dwell on these events.
The availability heuristic The tendency to base a decision on the information that is most readily recalled (e.g. the number of times John has been late, is top of mind vs the number of times he has been on time).
Our assumptions can be challenged, with self-awareness and practice. The quickest way to challenge your own assumptions is to analyse your own thinking:
In any relationship, you can only observe others’ behaviour. So, noticing what you have observed and sharing that, and then asking the other person to help you to understand their behaviour is the only way to really get to the truth of a situation.
Depending on the level of trust between you, you may need to re-build rapport first, in order to open up communication between you both. Asking someone to share their thoughts, feelings, deeper beliefs and needs takes vulnerability on their part, so you may need to create a safe psychological environment:
Sharing observations and exploring reasons for behaviour requires being very careful with how you use language. Any accidental generalisations (e.g. “you always seem to be late”) or assumptions (“how can we make this role more motivating for you?”) can create disconnection between you. So stick with the facts – what you have seen and heard, and when – and then ask an open question to allow them to respond:
“I’ve noticed that in the last three team meetings online, you’ve had your camera turned off, and I’m wondering what’s caused you to do that?”
“I’ve noticed that when I asked for volunteers for the new project team, you rolled your eyes and smirked, and I’m wondering what caused you to respond that way?”
“I’ve noticed that the last two reports you’ve written have been shorter, with less analysis in them than previously, and I’m wondering what’s behind that?”
Challenging our own thought processes and identifying flawed thinking can help us to reduce our own assumptions, creating less stress and positive outcomes for ourselves. In our relationships, gently raising awareness of someone’s behaviour, without making assumptions, and encouraging them to share what’s going on for them, is a key step towards diagnosing root causes, building trust and connection and ultimately improving our relationships.
