A few years ago, I pulled up at a petrol station (this is pre-EV), filled up my car and then went in to pay. Once inside, I spotted a few bits of shopping I needed so popped a few things in a basket on my way to the checkout. When I came out, there was a queue of cars waiting at the petrol pumps and a rather irate-looking man filling up his car and shaking his head at me. It was tempting to ignore him or equally passively-aggressively stare back at him. Luckily, I was in a calm and open frame of mind so asked him what the matter was.
“I’ve been waiting ages for you to move your car, while you’ve been doing your weekly shop in there,” he fumed. Slight exaggeration, but I understood his point.
“Fair enough,” I said, “What would you suggest I do next time?”
He looked shocked at my response and then said “Well, you could move your car to one of the parking spaces after you’ve filled up, if you’re going to do some shopping afterwards.” I looked around, nodded and said, “Yeah OK, I will,” got in the car and drove away.
I’m well-practised at receiving feedback, hence I was able to ask for it in the moment, keep calm and decide what to do with it. But many people I work with are reluctant to ask for feedback. Sometimes they’re afraid of what people might say – that any criticism means they’re not likeable or not good enough. Occasionally, clients think they already have enough self-awareness and therefore don’t need others’ views. And often, they simply don’t know how to ask for it.
I believe that regular feedback is one of the most important development tools we have. Without feedback, the only basis for our self-awareness is how we see ourselves – and that is flawed.
The consequences of not receiving feedback can be detrimental to the growth of individuals, leaders, teams and organisations and can result in:
I’ve worked with many clients who have benefitted from asking for feedback. It’s something I often suggest as a tool to help when they’ve lost their confidence, want to understand how people see them, identify how they can develop and grow or to tackle a limiting belief they have about themselves. Every time they’ve received feedback, it’s made a huge positive difference to how they see themselves, helped them grow their relationships and influence and collaborate more effectively.
Whilst giving feedback can be challenging, I would suggest that the most important part of a feedback conversation is the how the person receives it. If the receiver reacts defensively, it can put people off giving feedback in the future (which may result in some of the consequences above). If the receiver accepts the feedback as ‘the truth’ without clarifying it, they can misinterpret it.
These responses are often because we’re missing an opportunity to manage how feedback is given, what the feedback is about, and how we can learn from it before deciding whether to action it or not. In my experience, most of us aren’t great at giving specific, clear feedback, so it often falls to the receiver to understand it better.
So how can we ask for feedback and receive it in a way which is helpful for us and encourages people to be honest with us?
One of the most important things to remember about feedback is that you don’t have to do anything with it. Just because someone has a view on what you could be doing differently, it’s your prerogative whether you choose to act upon it or not. Feedback ultimately is in the eyes of the giver – it may not resonate with you, or be important to you, you may disagree with their opinion or it may simply not be the right time for you to change – whatever the reason, you get to choose if you do anything differently or not.
Inviting others’ views about us means being vulnerable – lay ourselves open for people to judge us and for us to be able to receive their opinions with grace and humility. Vulnerability creates connection, empathy – and importantly – allows other people to be vulnerable. If you want to create a psychologically safe culture, showing your own vulnerability is a first step towards this.
When we take control of when and how we receive feedback, we can manage our emotional response better because we’re expecting it. The clearer we are about the area of development we’re focussing on, the more people can help. There are a number of circumstances under which you could ask for feedback, and shaping how people give you feedback by giving them questions to answer or areas to consider will be far more helpful for you. I’ve attached a guide on how you can shape your own feedback here.
Regardless of how clumsily or subjectively the feedback is given, it’s helpful to learn how to receive it gracefully. Why? Because any negative reaction (defensiveness, counter-feedback, sulking etc) will likely put off the giver ever offering feedback again. Which harms not just you but others in the organisation. Creating safety includes:
Manage your immediate reaction, take a deep breath and buy yourself some time to reflect. When people ask for feedback, their focus is usually on the ‘negative’ aspects. But in reality, the vast majority of feedback is positive – and far more positive than you would ever talk about yourself.
Sometimes, we’re left a little confused about what someone means. When receiving written feedback, this can be particularly tricky as it’s more difficult to ask for clarity (although not impossible). Making sure you ask for examples can help provide clarity. When discussing feedback, it’s great opportunity to make sure you’ve fully understood what they’re telling you.
Sometimes feedback can take us by surprise – not always in a bad way – but just something that’s never occurred to us before. It can be tempting to ignore, because it doesn’t fit with the current narrative of ourselves, but sitting with something (without ruminating) and finding opportunities to spot this in yourself can be helpful. Ask yourself:
“If I were an objective by-stander, how would I see this behaviour?”
“In what situations have I recognised that I do this?”
“What responses do I notice from others when I do this?”
Allowing feedback to settle in our minds helps us to digest it in a more objective way. Sometimes putting the feedback to one side and then re-visiting it after a few days, to consider it in a fresh light can give a new perspective.
Asking for and receiving feedback is only part of the process. Doing something differently as a result is the final part. Once you’ve chosen which parts are important to you, consider what small changes you can make to your behaviour. This is important not only for your growth and development, but also to demonstrate that you’re taking some of the feedback on board. If people don’t see you trying to make some changes (especially if they’re really simple ones), they may become disengaged.
Sometimes someone says something in the moment that takes us by surprise. These moments can be gold dust if used properly. What can seem like an off-the-cuff remark is very often loaded with underlying meaning. It’s tempting (and very easy) to dismiss these moments – brush them off and move on. But if we can take the opportunity to understand what someone might be trying to tell us, it can be insightful.
It’s a judgement call as to whether to probe for more information. I wouldn’t suggest you do this every single time someone says something unexpected – after all, it might be them having an off-day. Rather, being observant of others and alert to patterns of behaviour towards us can help us understand if this is an ongoing message to you, or more about them.
Wouldn’t it be lovely if everyone was articulate, concise and clear? The reality is, most of us aren’t, and especially when we’re nervous, the way we say something might not be quite what we intended. Whilst you’re on the receiving end of some feedback, you may think you’re the one in the difficult position. But spare a thought for the feedback giver – it’s nerve-racking, takes skill and courage. So when receiving feedback, in whatever form it comes, try to be graceful in the receiving of it.
If you’re in any leadership role, demonstrating your willingness to frequently receive feedback not only benefits you, it also sets the tone for teams and the whole organisation. Often, the more senior a person becomes in an organisation, the less likely they are to get feedback. People become reluctant to risk their own career potential by giving feedback, and any they do give is often watered down and focusses on the leaders’ positives. This is a problem. Senior leaders can become less and less self-aware – surrounded by people who tell them what they want to hear. Leading by example creates a culture of feedback and growth for everyone.
Feedback, in all its forms, really is a gift, if you choose to treat it as such. Someone has made the effort to tell you something that they feel is important. We may find it welcome or unwelcome and it’s up to us to decide if it’s something to use or simply pop into a cupboard never to be seen again. But as with any gift, saying thank you, appreciating the intention, reflecting on it and reciprocating appropriately when the time is right, are all ways to make sure it’s a gift that keeps on giving.
If you’re interested in gathering some feedback and would some support and guidance, please drop me a line!
Read:
Asking for feedback email with 20 samples and templates – MaestroLabs
How To Receive Feedback: 6 Tips For How To Receive Feedback Well – Radical Candor
How to Receive Feedback More Effectively – Psychology Today
How to get better at receiving feedback – TedEd
Watch:
The Joy of Getting Feedback – Joe Hirsch | TEDxTarrytown
Process feedback with a strainer, not a sponge – Shanita Williams | TEDxAmoskeagMillyard
How to use others’ feedback to learn and grow – Sheila Heen | TEDxAmoskeagMillyardWomen
Photo by Tumla Tumla on Unsplash
