As a coach, one of the things I can’t help noticing is how people listen to others. And often, it’s not well! I’m not saying this to insult or judge, I’m saying it because I think so many issues and challenges would be resolved or prevented if we simply learned to listen better.
Why is that?
When we think about a typical conversation, there are several things happening. One is the words that are exchanged between the people. These words rarely accurately mirror the meaning that someone is trying to convey. The other is the thoughts and feelings that are happening in each person’s mind as they’re conversing, which usually remain invisible, even to the person themselves. What we say and what we mean can be two very different things. If we don’t listen well, we fail to pick up on the real meaning behind what someone is saying. In addition, our own thoughts and feelings can get in the way of paying real attention to the other person. As a result, we can miss vital information that is being conveyed, which can cause misunderstandings, reduce awareness and over time, create disconnection.
We have so much going on in our unconscious and conscious mind that we often struggle to listen well. Common barriers to listening include:
Any of these can reduce our understanding of the person and the situation, potentially causing reduced trust; wasting time trying to resolve the wrong problem; making poor decisions; or exacerbating conflict.
Before you say, “hang on, I do listen!” consider that listening can come in many forms:
(From Stephen Covey’s Listening Continuum)
When we do listen well, we gain all kinds of benefits:
Listening is a skill like any other – the more you practice it, the better you’ll become. You might start by intentionally selecting situations where you really want to focus your attention. We’re often so busy that actively listening all the time would be virtually impossible, as well as tiring! It’s probably more realistic to consider when and to whom you really need to listen.
Notice how you’re listening in any given situation and if distracted, gently bring your attention back to focus on the person. Try to make sure you are free from distractions (e.g. phone pings, an impending meeting you have scheduled next, someone interrupting).
Over time, you can start to develop your active listening skills, which include:
However, the difference between being able to recall and understand what someone said, and true listening, is that the latter seeks to understand the real meaning behind the words and body language. This involves being highly self-aware and managing our own mind and behaviour far more closely than you might think, because it includes:
“Listening was an art he had developed over the years, having learned that if you listened hard and long enough, people would tell you more than they thought they knew.”
Thief of Time By Terry Pratchett
As your listening skills develop, you’ll start to notice the often-unconscious communication that is happening beneath. The words and language people use can indicate thoughts and beliefs that even they weren’t aware of. Common reasons that people feel stuck, for example, may be heard in the following examples:
In a normal conversation, when we hear people use phrases like the ones above, it can be tempting to directly challenge the statement. Unfortunately, this can often create defensiveness and we end up debating a point which is not actually the heart of the issue.
When we are able to listen well, we can recognise that there is an undercurrent of hidden meaning. We may not know what it is, and it is not for us to identify it, but rather to gently help the other person to explore that undercurrent for themselves. Listening well is not the same as being mute. But, rather than tackling head-on what someone has said, we can instead create the space for someone to increase their own awareness of their situation and in doing so, enable them to recognise their own thoughts and feelings and perhaps, choose to think or act differently as a result. Our responses in such a conversation might be:
Using our listening skills to notice what someone is saying and the potential hidden meaning beneath their communication can open up a whole different conversation which is at the same time enlightening, game-changing and empowering.
This is one of the biggest and most powerful gifts we can give to someone else, and how lovely is it when someone does that for us?
Photo by Greg Rosenke on Unsplash
