Do you over or under empathise?

In my leadership and team development work, empathy naturally comes up a lot. It’s recognised by most leaders as a core ability in today’s workplace. But when we discuss empathy, what many leaders realise is that sometimes they under-empathise, and sometimes they over-empathise.

Take a leader I was working with recently on a leadership programme. She openly admitted that she struggles to empathise with most other people at work. She can’t understand their viewpoints and sees their emotions as getting in the way of getting the job done.

Another coaching client has the opposite issue. She regularly becomes so involved with her team’s issues, that she spends much of her time trying to help them. She struggles to delegate because she wants to protect her team and so becomes overwhelmed with work.

Both of these leaders are struggling to find the right balance of empathy. And I’m sure we’ve all been there. Because regardless of whether you tend to over or under empathise, if you have a level of self-awareness, you’ll also recognise times when you have done the opposite. The reality is we find it easier to empathise with some people than others – often based on similar values and behaviour and/or beliefs we’ve developed about people.

What is empathy?

There are various views on exactly what empathy is. Daniel Goleman says “Empathy means you understand the viewpoints, sense the emotions, and care about others” ¹ . There are different types, and I believe each has a useful role to play.

Cognitive empathy – the ability to understand someone else’s perspective and respond in a way which that other person needs. Many leaders worry they can’t empathise because they don’t feel the same way as someone else does about a situation. If they are able to understand the other person’s views, even if they don’t feel the same emotions, it is far better than dismissing the person out of hand. This type of empathy is a skill that can be learned.

Affective empathy – the ability to feel emotions which mirror the other person’s – even if we haven’t experienced the same thing. We tap into what we know an emotion feels like in order to connect with them. This type of empathy can also be developed, by tapping into our own emotions and vulnerabilities more easily.

Compassionate empathy (or ‘empathic concern’) – a combination of cognitive and affective empathy, which causes us to want to help the person in distress. When both work together, we can understand and connect with another person and provide the appropriate response without needing to fix or rescue them.

Why is empathy important?

It creates connection and therefore deepens relationships, both one to one and within teams and organisations
It provides appropriate support when people need it
It increases our emotional intelligence
It creates a culture of collaboration, creativity and effective problem solving
It broadens our thinking and reduces confirmation bias
It reduces our frustration by increasing our understanding of why someone behaves as they do
It enables others to reduce their own distress and resolve issues
It creates connection at a societal and global level – enabling us to feel compassion and understanding towards different groups and communities such as different generations and political views

Over and under empathising

What I’m not talking about here is empathy disorders (hyper-empathy syndrome or empathy deficit disorder). I’m focussing on the middle part of the empathy spectrum where we can, with some self-awareness and skill development, find a more appropriate balance within our leadership.

Interestingly, when I speak with leaders who tend to under or over empathise, they both have a propensity to ‘tell’ someone else what to do. Under-empathising leads people to focus on the task and ‘just do this’ to get it done. Over-empathising also is full of advice – but this time with a view to ‘rescuing’ the person from their situation. Both can result in a lack of collaboration, shared responsibility and achievement of common goals.

Under empathising

Under-empathising is the difficulty in understanding and appreciating someone else’s perspective, values and behaviour. People who commonly under-empathise find it difficult to connect with people who they see as different to them. This can cause:

Frustration on your part – because you can’t understand why people behave as they do
Increasing isolation caused by disconnection with others
Poor working relationships – reduced influence and inability to lead change effectively
Others to feel misunderstood, unsupported and ultimately disconnected from you and possibly for the organisation

Signs

Feel constantly frustrated by other people
Being overly critical of others (and the world around you)
Difficulty listening to others’ opinions or perspectives
Feeling like others are too sensitive
Confused by others’ emotions and unable to associate with their own emotions

Why it can happen

Unhelpful beliefs you hold about others and how the world works
Feeling stressed and overwhelmed, which can reduce our normal levels of empathy
Blaming the other person for their own predicament
Your past experiences and expectations
How easily you can associate with your own emotions
Your ego – which doesn’t want to admit you might be wrong
Dehumanising – thinking that people who are different from you don't feel and behave the same as you do

What to do

Actively listen to people – including non-verbal communication
Use open questions to seek to understand people, even if you don’t agree with them
Challenge your own beliefs and assumptions
Manage your own stress levels which may be impacting your capacity for empathy
Imagine yourself in their shoes
Connect with your own feelings and tap into your own vulnerability
Ask yourself how you would feel if this was someone you do empathise with
Look for ways you are similar to the other person, rather than focusing on the differences
Proactively seek out new experiences which will open your mind to how others may live and feel

Over empathising

Over-empathising is becoming so involved in someone else’s issues and their emotions that they find it difficult to separate themselves emotionally. People who commonly over-empathise find it difficult not to absorb another person’s feelings and perspective. This can cause:

Attempts to ‘rescue’ others from distressing emotions
Difficulty delegating, sharing responsibility and collaborating for fear of putting too much pressure on others
The other person to lose self-confidence and become more dependent on you and others
Missed opportunities for others to develop their own inner resources

Signs

Always or mostly putting others’ needs before your own
Becoming deeply affected by someone else’s emotions
Feeling emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed with work
Believing you are responsible for someone else’s well being
Regularly trying to fix the issue or take away someone else’s distress

Why it can happen

Deep seated beliefs about ‘being a good person’ involving nurturing or rescuing others
High levels of empathy can cause distress in ourselves when we see others distressed – in our attempts to alleviate our own distress, we seek to alleviate others’
Belief that others may be unable to help themselves and/or belief that you are better resourced to resolve the issue
Difficulty managing own emotions and responding appropriately

What to do

Remind yourself that you are not responsible for how someone else thinks, feels and behaves
Challenge your own beliefs and assumptions
Empower others using open questions – enabling them to find their own way forwards and in doing so, building their inner resources and confidence
Focus on what is within your influence and what is not
Create clear boundaries in your relationships
Learn to say no more easily
Take care of your mental, physical and spiritual health to avoid compassion fatigue
Ask what practical actions you can take to help, to avoid drowning in your own emotions
Challenge your decisions – are they biased by emotion? Ask an objective bystander to sense check

Whether you have a propensity to under or over empathise, part of you will justify this with a narrative which supports your behaviour e.g. “Getting the task done means I have a strong work ethic” or “Caring deeply about people means I’m a good person.” The reality is, most of us do both, at different times, with different people or groups. Development comes in the form of recognising when you are under and over empathising and challenging yourself to find the right balance – for your benefit, for the benefit of the other person and to create more connection within our communities and society.

If you would like to explore your own levels of empathy, the impact this is having and how to develop the mindset and skillset to find the right balance for you and others, please do drop me a line and we can have a virtual cuppa!