Have you ever reacted to something, only to regret it later? Perhaps sent a passive-aggressive email to someone who’s irritated you? Or snapped at someone? Or even made a significant decision while feeling angry, frustrated or sad?
Most of us at some point have been at the mercy of our emotions and reacted to something or someone in a way which is perhaps unhelpful for us and for others involved.
Often, the issue is not what we’re reacting to (we may feel justified in what we think and how we feel about something), but how we’ve reacted. And we often know when this is out of line with our ideal self, when we feel remorse, embarrassment or shame after the event.
A reaction is an almost instantaneous behaviour driven by our emotions. Sometimes that can be incredibly helpful. For example, you’re about to accidentally step out in front of a car and your brain stops you before you’ve even had chance to register the situation consciously. In other situations, our reactions can be less helpful – making a situation worse, causing us to feel angry or embarrassed, or damaging a relationship.
Responding is when we consciously choose how we will behave in response to a situation. We are able to think through our options, manage our emotions and select the response which we believe will be most helpful. Responding is not about satisfying a short term need to be right – it is being the adult, which is rational and calm, even when our inner child is demanding satisfaction in the form of retribution or revenge.
Of course, not every response is the most effective way of dealing with something. Even when we’ve thought it through, we may still make a decision which isn’t the best. But responding prevents our emotions from taking over in the moment and so has a better chance of a more helpful outcome.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”– Viktor E. Frankl
It’s all to do with the way our brain works. Our limbic system is where our emotional centre is, and also where our flight/fight/freeze response sits. When activated, the limbic system takes charge of our behaviour. Unless we are able to control our behaviour, we can end up reacting in the moment.
Responding comes from our pre-frontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for rational, conscious thought, logic and reasoning. Unfortunately, the limbic system works much faster than the pre-frontal cortex, so it can sometimes get a reaction in before we’ve had time to fully process the situation. Learning to manage our reactions takes self-awareness and the ability to manage our emotions, thoughts and behaviour.
Of course, what can cause a reaction in one person may not in another. Understanding more about your deeper beliefs and mindsets can explain why this is. Whilst the limbic system creates the emotion that drives the behaviour, the emotion itself comes from (mainly) unconscious thoughts and beliefs which, as we are often not aware of them, can drive habitual patterns of behaviour without us even realising it.
For example, a client of mine realised that he always reacted emotionally to what he saw as bad news delivered by his team. By identifying his habitual reaction to this trigger, understanding what emotions drove those behaviours, and most importantly, what beliefs and assumptions were driving those emotions, he was able to start responding in a way that was more helpful to him and to others, rather than reacting in the moment.
When we react without consciously choosing our response, it can have a number of consequences:
There are two main strategies you can use to help.
All of these tactics aim to raise your conscious thinking so that your limbic system has chance to calm down.
These strategies focus on prevention rather than cure.
Managing our emotions is a key part of developing our emotional intelligence. Of course, we’re all human and sometimes we simply react in the moment. But hopefully those moments become fewer as we develop, thus avoiding feelings of remorse and potentially damaging relationships. Knowing when your behaviour is being driven by emotion rather than rational thought is the starting point. Identifying your own specific triggers and causes can then help you take positive action to change your habitual reactions into more helpful responses, making you feel better and preserving the connections you value.
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
