You know when you behave in a way that doesn’t feel quite right? It might be that role that you’ve accepted, even though deep down you know it won’t make you happy. Or that person who seems to trigger your argumentative or competitive side, even when you know it’s not that important. Or going along with something just to keep the peace or to fit in, even when you don’t want to. Or having a sense of dissatisfaction, that nagging feeling that others have a better, happier life than you do.
When we think of ego, we often think of people whose over-inflated ego seems to rule their every waking minute. But the reality is, it is part of all of us.
When I started to learn about ego, I was fascinated to realise that a lot of the issues that I work with leaders on, and the work I do on myself, boils down to ego. Issues such as:
…the list goes on.
Ego literally means ‘I’. Our ego is simply our mental system of our own self-image. It creates the capacity for self-awareness and is also wants to keep us safe. So in that respect, it’s helpful. However, the bit that often trips us up is the other role the ego plays – seeking to create a consistent self-image or identity. Depending on what that self-image is, our ego may cause us to behave in ways which are unhelpful to us and to others.
Consider someone who bases much of their identity on their expertise. Perhaps they have been blessed with high intelligence and this has been the basis of their career success. But they have developed a belief that this success is founded on their expertise and nothing else. So they seek to protect their identity as an expert in their field at all costs – they argue with people who offer a different viewpoint, they are dogmatic in their opinions, and they behave in a superior manner to those who they see as having an inferior understanding. All of this doesn’t make them a bad person. But their ego is in charge – so their behaviour may alienate others, isolating them and further entrenching them in their own narrative.
Our ego can be over-inflated (we believe we are or have to be superior to others, more powerful, successful, richer etc) and it can also be under-inflated (we believe we are inferior to others, less able, less worthy etc). In most of us, we have a bit of both, which gets triggered by different things.
Our ego drives our fear that we’re not enough – that we need to acquire more, be seen to be more successful, have more friends, more money, be right, be in control, have the answers. As a result, we compete, compare and judge, driving a wedge within ourselves and between ourselves and others, creating disconnection from what makes us truly happy.
Here’s the real irony – our identity, or self-image, is simply a set of beliefs – something that only exists in our own minds – so the ego seeks to protect something which in fact is an illusion. Mind blowing, right?
Despite all this, our ego is not evil – our ego is an integral part of each of us. But it is helpful to recognise when it’s at play, and how to manage it, so that we can be happier in ourselves, form successful relationships and have a positive impact on the world around us. And the good news is that a lot of how we manage the ego is also integral to developing our emotional intelligence.
Once you are aware, you can start to spot the signs of your own ego. This requires the courage to face into parts of yourself and your behaviour which you may not want to see – what Carl Jung called the shadow self. You may need to dig deep and be really honest with yourself about what you’re thinking, in order to recognise what’s going on.
The ego is at play when:
I shared this list with a group of leaders recently, and one of them said “So, basically all the time then?” To which I laughed, because it can seem like our ego is driving our behaviour a lot of the time!
The below is not an exhaustive list, and I’ll be expanding on some of these in future blogs. But they are the main ways of managing our ego – once we have noticed it at play of course.
At the root of ego is fear. Fear of insecurity, fear of not belonging, fear of not being in control. If we can understand what we’re afraid of, we can start to reduce it. And in doing so, we will feel more peaceful and content, more understanding and compassionate towards others, and more connected with the world around us.
If you’re interested in finding out more about this, or curious about how you could work on your own ego, drop me a line!
Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash
Learn more…
Read:
A New Earth – Eckhart Tolle
7 Emotionally Intelligent Ways To Navigate Ego – forbes.com
How To Free Yourself From Your Ego In 3 Easy Steps – mindbodygreen
Watch:
What is ego and how to handle it to become better person? – youtube.com
What Is Ego – How Your Ego Dictates Your Entire Life – youtube.com
Dinae Knox: How to confront your ego and become your best self – TED Talk
