How not to take things personally

My husband is a dog lover. I’m a cat lover. Why am I telling you this? Because my cat Flintoff’s behaviour regularly causes my hubby to take things personally. Examples include: Flintoff turning around and walking away when my husband tries to approach him. Flintoff walking over my husband to get on to my knee. Or Flintoff ducking down when my husband tries to give him a fuss.

My hubby complains that Flintoff doesn’t like him and why can’t he be more like a dog – delighted to see him and hanging on his every word? I patiently explain that it’s not personal – cats do things when they want to do them, and Flintoff also behaves like this with me sometimes. Understanding Flintoff means that I don’t take it personally when he doesn’t want a fuss, or he won’t come to me when I call him. But we've all experienced times when something has upset or offended us.

So it got me thinking, how can we avoid taking things so personally?

Is taking things personally always a negative?

When something has hit a raw nerve it can feel hurtful and unpleasant. But it’s part of being a human being. Being vulnerable to what others think about us is part of our psyche. And actually, it’s not always a bad thing. It brings us humility and can prevent an over inflated ego. It also means we care – if we didn’t take anything personally, nothing would hold any value, and we would never learn to modify our behaviour to connect better with others.

So when we talk about ‘taking things personally’, it’s more about how we react to something that might not be as important as you think. Perhaps you feel slighted by what you perceive as micro-aggressions, such as not being invited to a particular meeting, or not being offered a cup of coffee when someone is doing the rounds. Maybe you struggle to take feedback, especially
riticism, from others and become defensive. Or you may find yourself responding emotionally to others, or dwelling on what someone said or did, long after the event.

These are all signs that you may be taking things personally in a way which may be unhelpful to you and to others. The impact of taking things personally can be:

Your emotional distress
Ruminating over the situation long after it has happened
Looking for other ‘evidence’ to back up your limiting belief about the situation
Seeing it as reinforcement of your (incorrect) belief that you’re not a nice/ good person, which negatively affects your self-esteem
Reacting emotionally, which may be inappropriate and you may regret later
Feeling resentful and causing disconnection between you and another person or people (even if they’re not aware)
Negatively influencing how you behave with someone
Missing opportunities for increased self-awareness and personal growth
Inadvertently creating a pattern of taking things personally which reinforces itself over time

Why we take things personally

There may be a few reasons why we take things personally:

Our values – what’s important to us can determine if we take something personally. Let’s say kindness is an important value for you. If someone says something that you perceive is unkind, you’re far more likely to take it personally than someone who doesn’t have that as an important value.

Our ego – how we see ourselves and how we want others to see us can trigger a sensitive
response. If our ego is damaged, we seek to protect ourselves, often by nursing a perceived
slight for far longer than is necessary or healthy.

Low self-esteem – if we have a period where our self-esteem is low, we can genuinely
believe that others’ behaviour is only what we deserve.

Low self-awareness – when we lack self-awareness, we subconsciously worry about
whether there might be some truth in what someone has said. Developing our self
awareness helps us avoid this by knowing how we see ourselves and how others see us.

Negative self talk – if we already have a limiting belief about something, it can increase our
chances of taking something personally.

Perfectionism – if you’re prone to perfectionism, it’s likely that you hold such high standards
for yourself that you take the slightest criticism to heart.

How can you stop yourself taking things personally?

So if you find yourself in a situation where you have taken something personally, there are two questions you can ask yourself:

Is it them?

Do they behave like this with others? If so, then chances are this is about them and their behaviour, not about you.
Do they seem highly emotional? If so, it’s likely they wouldn’t be behaving in this way in a calmer frame of mind.
Is it out of character for them? If so, it’s likely that something is going on for them which you might not be aware of. Try to be empathetic and seek to understand what's driving their behaviour.
Do they have repeated patters of dysfunctional behaviour such as victim, martyr, passive-aggressiveness or overly critical that impacts you? Try to avoid the invitation to engage in their drama.
Do they actually know you well enough for their behaviour to be relevant? Let’s say someone shouts something out of a car window. Or a senior executive who doesn’t know you cancels a meeting with you without an apology. Their behaviour is about who they are, not about who you are.
Are their values not aligned with yours? Perhaps the stuff that’s important to you just isn’t that important to them. That doesn’t make them wrong or bad, it’s just different. The stronger our own values, the more deeply we can feel when others behave differently to this.

Is it me?

How are you feeling in general? Are you feeling stressed, vulnerable or sensitive? How we're feeling can skew our interpretation of what others say. Ask yourself – would this bother me normally?
Do you have a pattern of taking things to heart? For example if you have low self-esteem, you can be more sensitive to perceived slights because part of your mind is telling you you’re not good enough. Getting some professional help from a counsellor or therapist might be helpful here.
Has someone hit a ‘raw nerve’? If so, this may indicate that what they’ve said holds a grain of truth in your sub-conscious. If you’re privately worried about this, it might be worth exploring your self-awareness.
Is your behaviour potentially annoying or upsetting to others? How could you mitigate this? Explore your impact on others. Get feedback. Watch for others’ reactions to your behaviour.
Is your ego at play? Do you see yourself in a certain way and your ego has been insulted by someone? Spot your ego, acknowledge it and then move it one side.
Are you taking responsibility for something that’s outside of your control? Sometimes we enter ‘rescuing’ mode on behalf of others – we feel indignant on their behalf and the need to defend them. But we can’t fight others’ battles or be fully responsible for a good cause. Knowing what is within our influence and what is currently not, is important in order to use our energy for things we can directly impact.

How not to take things personally in the future

Of course, it’s better to avoid taking things personally in the first place than trying to deal with it once it’s happened. By managing how we receive others’ behaviours, we can create connection – managing our own response and seeking to understand others.

Here are a few things you can do to prevent yourself from worrying about a situation:

Check in with how you’re feeling – negative emotions can cause us to be more sensitive than when we’re having a good day. If you’re having an off moment, be aware of how your mind may be misinterpreting others’ behaviour and treat it as such.

Manage your emotions – start the day off well, take a breath before reacting in the moment. If needed, buy yourself time before responding.

Check your assumptions – did someone not offer you a coffee because you have a poor relationship with them, or did they just not see you? Give people the benefit of the doubt.

Ask for clarity – if someone has said something hurtful, calmly ask for examples, specifics and facts. Often the way people communicate is driven by their own emotions, so be the adult and respond objectively rather than emotionally.

Address valid concerns – if you have solid observable data that someone is treating you in a way you don’t like, speak to them about it directly. Describe what you have experienced, how it is impacting you and ask if there is a reason for their behaviour. Describe how you would like them to behave with you in the future and seek to agree this.

Seek feedback regularly – often the way we imagine people perceive us is far from reality. The only way to know for sure is to frequently ask for feedback so you know if there is some truth in what they’ve said or not.

Manage your own beliefs, thoughts and feelings – build your self-awareness to understand how your thinking may be impacting your response to situations. Work on building trust in your relationships so that you understand each other better and can agree how to communicate and work together in away that suits you both. Reach out and reconnect.

Develop empathy – try to see things from the other person’s point of view, even if you object to their behaviour.

Build your resilience – consider how you can learn from and/or change a situation, ask yourself – what could you do differently in the future? Learn to manage criticism by either using it as a learning opportunity if you think it helpful, or move on.

Use coaching to help others take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings and behaviour

And if you haven’t got one already, getting a cat is a daily lesson in not taking things personally.