When to say yes…

A few months ago I wrote a blog on How to say no, because this issue comes up so often for people that it seemed an obvious topic to focus on.

But what about times when it might be important to say yes, even when we don’t want to? Recently I’ve been reflecting on how often we may hold ourselves back when we don’t say yes to something. Examples that have come up recently are: the leader who doesn’t go for a new internal role because they don’t think they’re ready. A graduate who doesn’t volunteer for a project because they’re not sure how it will fit with their career aspirations. A team member who avoids presenting at the quarterly business planning meeting because they worry they’ll mess it up.

The fear of saying yes to something because we worry it won’t work out, or we’ll fail, or look silly, is something most of us wrestle with. And there are plenty of situations where saying no is indeed the right course of action at that time.

But what if we’re missing out on opportunities because of those fears? Opportunities to grow, to discover new skills, experiences and avenues that open up? Staying too cautious can reduce that growth, and in some circumstances become a vicious circle, where staying in our comfort zone reduces our confidence over time because we're not growing.

How many times have we said: “I wasn’t looking forward to it but actually had a great time”? Or, “I didn’t want to take on that role/ project/ course, but actually it was great and I learned loads”? Sometimes pushing ourselves out of comfort zone helps us to grow, broaden our experience or simply to prevent our comfort zone from shrinking.

What makes us avoid saying yes?

The temptation to avoid challenging situations or things we dread – it’s easier to stay in our comfort zone
Lack of confidence – a lack of belief in ourselves and our abilities
Lack of motivation – it takes energy to do something different
Assumptions about how it will go
Biased decision making – it’s easy to talk ourselves out of something when we’ve already decided it’s something to avoid

Why it might be helpful to say yes:

Essentially, saying yes can help us work towards fulfilling our potential:

For personal growth – moving out of our comfort zone into our stretch (or learning) zone
Supports a growth mindset – the belief that we can get better with effort and practise
To further develop our strengths or potential strengths
To gain valuable experience by trying something new
To broaden our mind and creativity – the more input we get from diverse experiences, the more broadly we are able to think
To nurture relationships – engaging with others deepens our connection with them, so saying yes to a coffee with a colleague rather than doing another hour of work can be incredibly valuable
To explore options when you’re unclear about your direction or want to understand yourself more – experimenting with different experiences can help you understand what you like/ don’t like
To build resilience – saying yes helps us to see we can handle diverse situations and become more comfortable with change and ambiguity
Saying yes prevents us from getting bored – which in itself can create stress

When could we say yes?

When the potential upsides outweigh the potential downsides
When your main reason to say no is because of the risk to your ego i.e. you worry you might be judged
When it aligns with your values and priorities – doing something that supports what’s important to you can help your motivation
When asked for help or a favour – as long as it can be reciprocal and doesn’t become an unhealthy pattern/ cycle!
To reduce conflict – when it means less to you than the other person/ people (but it might also be important to be assertive when it is equally important to you)

There’s also a handy tool here which I use both for myself and with clients, to avoid too much bias in decision making. It helps you explore all sides of the situation and can be helpful to work through with a coach or trusted colleague or friend. I’ve just used this to explore something I’m debating about, and each of the four questions has revealed a different aspect to the dilemma.

Remember… sometimes we say yes because of our ego – so if we’re saying yes for example to simply fit in or gain status, further explore your motivations before you go ahead. Check that what you’re saying yes to really aligns with your values and what you want in life.

If you’re not sure, here are some questions you could ask yourself:

How would it benefit me to do this?
What does my gut say?
How does this align with my true values?
What assumptions am I making?
How likely to happen is the thing I fear most?
How could I make this feel a little more comfortable?
What inner resources do I have already that would help me with this?
How can I mitigate likely risks?
How will it feel to have challenged myself?

Qualifying your yes

If you want to say yes, but still have some worries or doubts, it can help to gain further clarity and/ or qualify your yes:

Ask clarifying questions to understand exactly what’s involved
Align on what’s expected so you and others have a mutual understanding
Be clear about what you want from it e.g. a new skill, to be creative, to feel connected
Set boundaries that are important to you e.g. how much time you are able to devote to a project, how long you might do it for, what you might need in order to make it more comfortable for you
Be selective – being out of your comfort zone can help your growth and development, but too much time in your stretch zone will deplete your energy. Choose the area(s) most important to you, and know that being in your comfort zone is also helpful in restoring you.

In a world which often feels difficult, stressful and despairing, it can be easy to lock ourselves away, curl up on the sofa and lose ourselves in distraction with our favourite streaming platform. But then we also lose the joy of connecting with others, laughing, learning, sharing. Choosing to engage in the world can mean pain but also bring wonder and fulfilment. It means stretching ourselves to reach our potential and helping others to fulfil theirs.

If you’d like to say yes more often despite your worry, stress or lack of confidence, let’s talk!

Drop me a line for an informal chat