A leader I was working with recently was struggling with a team member. He talked about the colleague’s performance and how it was getting worse. When I asked him what he’d done to address this with the person, it became clear that he was avoiding giving some clear feedback.
A team I worked with some time ago was showing signs of low psychological safety. People were muted in meetings, with lots of complaining going on in the background. It transpired that people felt unappreciated and had become resentful. Rather than airing these feelings, it was being displayed through unhelpful behaviours.
Both these scenarios highlight a core issue: a lack of assertiveness.
We think of assertiveness as a behaviour, which it is – but at the heart of being assertive is understanding and communicating what we need. When we don’t identify and communicate what we need, we may start to think, feel and behave in ways unhelpful to us and others.
The way we commonly behave when we’re struggling with assertiveness are:
Passive – allowing someone else to have their needs met while yours are not (such as the leader who is avoiding giving feedback)
Aggressive – pushing your own needs to be met while not considering the other person’s
Passive-aggressive – implying covertly that somehow your needs are not being met, through behaviour which makes others feel uncomfortable (such as eye rolling, sarcasm, whispering to a colleague in a meeting – like the team above).
Let’s face it, we’ve probably done all three of these and still do in certain situations!
Assertiveness is the ability to communicate what you want and how you feel in a calm, direct and positive manner. It is also about recognising the rights of others to do the same.
Similarly, the Collins English Dictionary writes that “Someone who is assertive states their needs and opinions clearly, so that people listen, and take notice.”
Crucially, assertiveness is based on mutual respect – the understanding that yours and others’ needs are equally important. It isn’t about asserting your needs and disregarding others’ (that’s aggressiveness).
These are the common signs and apply both at work and at home.
We often fall back on one of the other ways of communicating due to some of the following:
If we’re not careful, we can sometimes go from one extreme to another. Take the leader above, who may have gone from being passive to being aggressive. The key is to find the right balance.
It can be helpful to understand the stories we tell ourselves so that we can tackle the root cause of our lack of assertiveness and undo unhelpful patterns of behaviour. Working with a coach or therapist can help you with this.
Examples of deep-seated beliefs which cause alternative behaviours to assertiveness might be:
Passive: I need to be liked in order to have worth – if I please others, I will be liked
Aggressive: I need to win in order to have worth – if I get my own way, I win
Passive-aggressive: I need to avoid conflict in order to stay safe – if I (badly) disguise my thoughts and feelings, I stay safe while showing I’m unhappy
Ultimately, these are all limiting beliefs which can be helpful to recognise as part of working on your assertiveness.
Assertiveness is a two-way street. In developing your own assertiveness, you also need to be open to others communicating what they want and need, even if you don’t resonate with it. Finding a way forwards that satisfies both parties is the key to a high trust relationship.
It’s important to point out that simply communicating doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want – at least not at first. But even saying it out loud will give you a sense of empowerment, create increased understanding with others, and a sense of connection.
Behaviour change in others may take time – sometimes when we don’t get an immediate response, we may get put off. Keeping practising your assertiveness in a reciprocal manner will ultimately improve your relationships, build connection and enable better collaboration.
If you feel you would benefit from being more assertive, drop me a line and let’s have a chat!
Watch:
How to speak up for yourself | Adam Galinsky – YouTube
The Beauty of Assertiveness | Dr. Abby Hamilton | TEDxWestshoreWomen
Read:
How to Be Effectively Assertive | Psychology Today
Assertive Communication: What It Means and How to Use It | verywellmind.com
Managing assertively – How to improve your people skills; Madelyn Burley-Allen,
Radical Candor: How to Get What You Want by Saying What You Mean; Kim Scott
Photo by Resume Genius on Unsplash
